The Cold and the Beautiful
by RockOutLoud
Summary: Have you ever wondered what Twilight would be as a soap opera? If all the characters were like the flamboyant soap actors we all love? Well here you go, a soap/story/comedy written by Syd and Steph. Rated Mature for "suggestive themes" later on.


So this whole "story" is told like your watching a soap opera. So there's not much description from the author, you just have to imagine how things would look if you were watching this on television. But don't worry there is some description thrown in. It's also told in episode format, with the episodes getting longer and longer as the show goes on. Two people wrote this, myself and Stephanie (not Meyer) so that's why after each person finishes a segment the other writes "next up on the cold and the beautiful..."or something like that. So it might get a bit confusing, but you'll catch on in time. Segments are divided by a line going through the page... you'll be able to tell. Also in case you've never done this before something between two of these () indicates movement or action of some kind.

All of the parts made by me (Syd) are in bold, and all the parts made by Steph are not.

Chapter 1 (episodes 1-8):

**In this first ever episode, Jasper confesses something to Edward... **

**"Edward, I must confess, I am in love with your girl." says Jasper, holding a cup of bourbon (I have no idea why, he can't even drink it but it's a nice prop)  
"You S-L-U-T backhand How could you?" screams Edward, wearing only a gold speedo and black flip flops.**

**Shortly afterwards to fully express his anger with the violence only a soap opera will allow...**

**...Edward becomes a gangster.  
"Jacob, I'm gonna kill you foo" says Edward, brandishing a large shot gun.**

--

"next up on the cold and the beautiful...after edward shoots jacob and sends him to the ICU in forks memorial (cuz every hospital in soaps is the "town name" memorial) he falls into a deep pit of depression. "how...how could I do such a thing? bella...forgive me."  
shot cuts to bella staring at edward with disbelief, then she backs away and runs off crying  
"bella...wait! NOOOOOOO!"  
shot cuts to edward eyeing a razor & black hair dye

--

**Now on...The cold and the beautiful.  
"After sinking into a 6 month long depression in which he only sucked the blood of flies, Edward emerges, a changed man.  
He goes on a hunt for Bella, his love.  
BUT when he finds her...  
Start flash forward  
"Edward...I'm pregnant...and...I have no idea who the father is" says Bella, wearing a purple mumu.  
Thus starts the mission for our 18 part episode.  
"THE HUNT FOR BELLA'S BABY DADDY"**

**"Bella the father is...Mike Newton's...DAD'S...COUSIN...BROTHER...REMOVED...TWICE!!"  
"Oh thank god, I so thought it was Jacob..."  
Edward bursts into tears and flees the room.  
"I need a vodka" were the last words they could hear.**

--

Alice rushes out after edward, "EDWARD! NO! you know what happens when you drink!!" ...but its too late. Edward is long gone.

"What happens when he drinks?" Bella asks timidly

"You dont wanna know," Alice says looking afraid.  
scene switches to edward in a karaoke bar, drunk... and singing Celine Dion

--

**"NEEEARRRR...FAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR WHEREVEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR YOU ARRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEE...oh god...I love Titanic..I just...WHY DID JACK HAVE TO DIE..I'm sorry folks, here I know you paid good money, I'm gonna just take off my clothes for you."  
The bar instantly becomes packed.  
A strip club manager approaches Edward  
"I saw you...up there, and I think you have potential...here, come with me to Vegas."  
Thus starts the 89 part episode.  
"EDWARD IN VEGAS"**

--

flashes forward a year later with bella taking a little girls weekend vacation to vegas with angela and alice  
Alice urges them to go to a male strip club...which coincidentally is the very club Edward has become the main attraction at.  
Announceer: "andddd now ladies (and maybe some gentlemen cheesy wink) he's YOUR brand of heroin...the liiiiioooooooooooon"  
crowd goes wild  
Alice takes out a wad of ones and approaches "the lion" and screams "Rawr baby rawr..take it-- EDWARD?!"  
Edward stops dancing abruptly. "ALICE?!"  
Alice runs out to go puke in the nearest trash can.  
A highly embarrassed Edward spots a shocked Bella and a tear falls slowly down his cheek as he turns away to his dressing room.

--

**"Back in the dressing room...  
"I'm so..STUPID, how long did I think I could live this life...Jebediah, come here, I need a milk bath, BRING THE LOOFAH."  
Bella of course, runs to the backstage area.  
"Oh Edward, all these years, I ...well I forgot about you, I got in a car crash that erased my memory and I didn't know my name for the longest time, and now I've seen you and I remember..EVERYTHING. I gave the baby to a nice gay couple...in...vegas.."  
"I know bella, I was the baby adopter..." says Edward, setting down his loofah.**

**"Bella in a shock, turns to Edward "YOU TOOK MY BABY?""  
"Bella it was the only way to keep you around, she smells like you...but, she's not as stupid as you, so it's a plus."  
Jebidiah walks it all flamboyant.  
"Oh cookie crisp did I walk in on something? Edward baby, I gotta get home and feed Rainbow Star Child In A Dance with the Moon. So, I'll see you at home darling. Who is that? Ick, she'll dirty the floors Edward, get that hot mess OUT."**

--

Bella, just standing there...pleads with edward.  
"Edward...dont you love me anymore. you...you cant deny what we had. I was young, I was stupid. but I'm a changed woman now. That whole car crash and memory loss thing helped me realize what I really wanted in my life. And..thats a family. With you Edward."  
She goes in to kiss him...but Edward turns away, somewhat reluctantly.  
"Bella...we cant do this. I HAVE a family now. With Jebby and Rainbow. What we had is...long gone... along with my manliness. I'm sorry. Take care though."  
he kisses her on the forehead and walks out in his golden robe and black flip flops.  
Bella spots said flip flops and smiles, saying to herself...  
"There's still hope for us Edward...those flip flops are more than just flip flops. they represent a time when we shared a love deeper than you and 'Jebby' will ever have..."  
Next on the cold and the beautiful...Bella shows up at Edwards house while he's alone in nothing more than her very own pair of black flip flops. Will Edward give in?... wait and see...


End file.
